Powerful thoughts

growth

If we’re growing, we’re always going to be out of our comfort zone. - john maxwell

Pack light and enjoy the ride!

I'm about to embark on my last leg of my journey home. 
I left on the 19th from Antigua to Iowa via Houston. 
A huge blizzard was not in my mind when I snapped this photo from the first plane. 
But during my unexpected detour I've been able to spend a couple quality days with an old friend in Kansas City, and we survived the end of the 13th Bak'tun with pizza and wine in hand.
Now onto the great white north. 
I'm open to detours as long as they equal quality time with loved ones. 

also another word to the wise:
When traveling to the midwest during christmas, its best to travel with a carry-on. It was pivotal to the positive experience of the change in plans.   

once we know...

“Once we know and are aware, we are responsible for our action and our inaction. We can do something about it or ignore it. Either way, we are still responsible.” Jean Paul Sartre


This is a quote that I repeat to myself now more than ever. I don't know why but it seems that it rings true in so many situations. I can't just live my life as if I didn't know what I know. I'm aware. And more so after my peace corps service and this article I found on the peace corps facebook page articulates exactly how I and I assume many others who have had any type of experience with poverty whether domestic or international.

Peace Corps Guilt 
By Esther Katcoff Peace Corps Volunteer in Paraguay
Posted: 11/01/2012 3:06 pm on the Huffington Post website 

Someone is drowning in a lake and you are watching. She is sinking lower and lower, her head tossed back so that she can just barely manage a gulp of air. You can save her. Most people would argue that ethically you mustsave her. In his 1971 essay "Famine, Affluence, and Morality," ethicist Peter Singer compares the general moral obligation to help the drowning to every privileged individual's moral obligation to alleviate global poverty.

People all over the world are dying. They are suffering and we are watching. It is immoral, says Peter Singer, not to do everything in our power to help them. iPods, spankin' new cars, vacations to Disney World... we spend money on these things instead of paying for life-saving surgeries, feeding hungry children or investing in third world economies. According to Singer, the fact that we don´t need to watch the poor suffer doesn´t change the fact that they are drowning and we know it. And we let them.

I can't claim that reading Singer's essay was the reason I joined the Peace Corps, but it definitely instilled in me a sense of... duty? No, something more uncomfortable than that. The scratchy sand pressing all over you under your bathing suit on the way home from the beach.

Guilt.

I'd been to Disney World. I'd gone on very expensive trips all over the world. And -- the horror! -- I had an iPod.
But what to do about all that?
Well, I started by not buying a new iPod after my old-school Nano broke. But would that help the hungry children of Africa? I couldn't just donate the money saved. I was an Urban Studies major. I knew about the complications of development work, the band-aid solutions, the causes that just sound good, the charity that unmotivates the beneficiaries, the money that doesn't always reach the ground. The only way, I told myself, the only way is to understand completely what the people need to fish themselves out of their lake. Then I could support them with my iPod money.

I tell people I joined the Peace Corps to understand what it means to be poor, but that´s just part of the story. I joined the Peace Corps to figure out how to escape the guilt of having so much while other people have so little.

Well, now I'm in the Peace Corps in Paraguay and surprised to find that it was not the way to go for moral masturbation.

Here in my rural-ish urban community in Paraguay, I am living in a vat of perpetual boiling hot guilt. And I've found that I am not the only one. All of the following causes us volunteers to feel that little pang in the chest that means we are doing something pretty horrible:

1) Taking time for ourselves

We feel guilty for staying in the house all day, or for being out of site and missing our neighbors' birthdaysopa. We feel guilty for watching a movie alone instead of with some Paraguayan neighbors. We're servants of the community, right? It's supposed to be a full-time job. Every hour spent watching a movie is an hour we could have helped a child with his homework. Every trip to visit a friend is a leadership retreat for teenagers that never had the chance to happen.

2) Not sharing personal possessions 

Just this week I was called a bruja for not lending my computer to someone. And maybe I am a bruja. Families share with me whatever little food they have and I share nothing. I feel like the meanest witch alive.

3) Being too chuchi (fancy) 

How can we live in a house with a modern bathroom if no one else has one? How can we buy the chuchichocolate from America when our neighbors can't afford a bag of rice? How can we be paying someone to wash our clothes, how can we go on vacation, how can we have hot water, how can we have running water, arrrrghhhhhhh!

4) Being unsustainable 

Apparently the whole point of this helping others thing is sustainability. Don't give stuff to the community, get them to work for it themselves! So, that sounds awesome... until you have the opportunity to get 40 free pairs of reading glasses from America. You can nix the freebees or you can help 40 impoverished ancianosto read again. But then you have to accept the hot-headed guilt that comes with it, the possibility that you jeopardize your community's motivation because they realize the truth that their lives would be so much easier if the first world shared some of its money.

5) Failing to save the world 

A couple weeks ago, a 9-year-old girl showed up at my house for the first time. I was surprised by the visit and amazed -- María had come a long way since she first joined our girls group six weeks before. She was the girl who smiled but rarely spoke, and even then rarely in Spanish -- only in the indigenous language Guarani. And now she popped by just to hang out. But something struck me as odd, as I glanced at my pizza in the oven and then at my watch. The time was 11:50. Almost lunch time... the holy hour of the only meal that really gets eaten in Paraguay.

¨María, what time do you have to be home?¨ I asked her.

¨No, my mother isn't cooking today,¨ she replied.

¨What?¨ I was shocked. Even the poorest families I know eat something for lunch, even if not very much.

¨Aren't you hungry?¨

She told me no, she'd had tortillas at 5AM. It wasn't a question of feeling generous and tossing a dollar at a beggar child on the street.
This was María. My María.
Her immune system, her literacy rate, her confidence level and her general growth rate all depended on me in that moment.
I shared my pizza with her. She ate every bite. Even the green pepper and onions sprinkled on top... and you would be hard-pressed to find a child where I live who would eat a vegetable you can see.

Then she asked me what I was making for dinner. I immediately felt thrown into a moral crisis. All my guilt -- for leaving site, for being too chuchi, for not sharing and for being unsustainable -- charged forth dressed for battle.
I can't feed her every single meal. I can't be responsible for this little girl.
Stop being selfish. Yes, you can.
You make more than enough on your Peace Corps stipend to feed another person.

But what about her eight siblings? What about her neighbors? What about everyone else who is falling through the cracks? How can I do this just for her?

You took a vacation to Peru. You did that instead of feeding a little girl. It's not even sustainable to buy her food, I should try to develop the soup kitchen at our local community center instead. You know that is unrealistic. The soup kitchen is open for three lunches a week and is already a strain for the women who cook. You are going to stand back and watch this little girl fall. All this seems to me a pretty depressing lose-lose situation. Either I ignore the hunger of a child, or I create jealousy amongst her peers. And either way she will be hungry again next year after I go back to America.

How do I cope with all of this burden? How do any of us cope? I feel like the go-to answer is to try drop it behind somewhere on our two year journey. Just throw that heavy sack in the arroyo. Remind yourself of the hours of work you put into that project, the tears you shed as you squatted homesick in your host family's overflowing latrine. The opportunity cost of doing the Peace Corps, all those tens of thousands of dollars you like to think you could have made if you were employed these two years in the U.S.

But unfortunately, that reasoning doesn´t do it for me. Nor does the argument that extreme wealth needs to exist because people need a goal to strive for. I mean, what would María say if I told her I'm going to the Lady Gaga concert in Asuncion so that she can strive to have enough money to do that too some day? She doesn't get enough to eat, can't read and lives in a wooden shack with no water. It´s not about how hard she tries.

And I don't really believe the people who say that helping others is not morally obligatory, just a praiseworthy act. Because in that case, allowing that person to drown in the lake would be the norm. And I don't think that is the world we live in.

The only comfort I can give myself -- for now, while I continue to search for the answers -- is the last place I would ever expect to find consolation. Peace Corps goal 3. Something that a year ago didn´t really seem part of my PC experience, just something that naturally happens when you go home and don´t have anything exciting to talk about anymore.

Peace Corps goal 3: To bring our life drinking terere back to the United States of America. I went back to the States in July and was not very astonished to hear a lot of people say narrow-minded things about global poverty. I'm not sure what bothered me most: the couple who thought they understood my community in Paraguay because they took a vacation to China once or the students who didn't care because we have to help our fellow Jews first. The old man who asked me why Paraguay's own government couldn't provide for them? Or the girl who asked me if I cook or order takeout in my site?

It wasn't until a random Facebook chat that I found a sort of hope in these tiring, often repetitive conversations. I went to elementary school with Adam, wasn´t friends with him, and hadn't talked to him in at least five years. Now he chatted me to say that what I am doing is "an inspiration" to him. It wasn't his compliments that encouraged me nor was it his reminder of opportunity cost of doing the Peace Corps.

It was just the simple fact that someone I barely know said that my actions give him inspiration to give up money to do something he loves. That he wanted to have coffee to hear about what I've learned in my experience. I couldn't read the word "inspiration" with a straight face, but his openness to hear from my experience made me see the value in Goal 3. I have -- we have -- a real opportunity to help others back home understand the amazing culture of Paraguay, the complicated nature of development work, and the lives of those who fight for their communities.

For me, this is the solution to the heap-ton of Peace Corps guilt clamping down on my shoulders. Goal 3: to help people back home understand human need and realize their responsibility to throw that lifesaver. In a sustainable way, of course. Because the guilt that we are allowing people to drown is not mine. It is ours.

LandfillHarmonic

Great Inspiration on a Friday
 I think I'll unpack my ol' fiddle :)


 

Reach for the Sky. Keep your eye on the prize.

really loving Matisyahu's new album. I have listened to him since I was in college and always enjoyed his lyrics and saw him this summer in Iowa (photo above) and I noticed he looked different, he used to dress like an orthodox jew, the suit, curls, beard, the works, and now this... clean cut.

Later I found this letter (below) to his fans on his facebook page. And it resinated with me. I love his dedication to his personal authenticity.

To My Fans-

I will try to write a couple of ideas and thoughts, but I prefer to speak in my native language, the language of the soul, Music. So I will preface this piece by asking that before prescribing judgement to some pictures, please wait and listen to my new record Spark Seeker from start to finish. The record is infused with both Jewish and universal inspiration, as it is a reflection of my inner landscape over the past 2 years of its making. From visions of the Bal Shem Tov to Kabbalah references, prayers in Hebrew and stories in Yiddish, this record was both a spiritual and reflective journey full of transition and growth. That being said, I believe there is a higher level…a level where there is no divisiveness. Where there is complete unity, and that is what I am mirroring. There was a time when I felt it was necessary to show the world what I believed in through my physical appearance. I think this can be a wonderful thing, but as my faith has evolved I have come to believe there are many other ways to show my spirituality and Judaism. Ways in which our humanity is emphasized over our differences. This was my aim for the music. This was always my aim. During the making of this record I began to feel that I was shedding something, and with that I chose to shave. Just as when I was 18 and I shaved my dreadlocks to let go of my identity, I felt as if I was returning to a time prior to religion or rules or right and wrong. To a place where truth shows itself in beauty and balance and I felt it was time to walk a new path.What that exactly means or looks like I am still figuring out, and will be for the rest of my life, I hope. To those who feel betrayed by my choices or my look, don’t worry, I think they will continue to change and evolve–that is the awesomeness of life. I think that through patience, in time you will see we are still on the same team. We are ALL on the same team. I am so excited for you to hear my new record I hope it will explain and inspire so much more then my words here can.

Sincerely In Love and Truth,

Matis

Here is one of his new songs
I'm definitely adding it to my morning playlist.

enjoy!

mantra.

“Don’t worry about what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive and do that, because what the world needs is people who have come alive.” 
 ~Howard Thurman

give.

Judgments that constrain your giving are the verydemons that are keeping you from receiving.
--Martha Beck

poetry.

On one of my last nights in D.C. eating a home prepared dinner on a d.c. rooftop with a view of the capital, over wine, laughs, pork and stunning views of the monuments, three amigos gathered to celebrate friendship and life.

Instead of prayer before dinner, a couple of poems by my sweet as pie and thoughtful as heck amigo Daniel:

The Journey 

One day you finally knew

what you had to do, and began,

thought the voices around you

kept shouting

their bad advice –

though the whole house

began to tremble

and you felt the old tug

at your ankles.

“Mend my life!”

each voice cried.

But you didn’t stop.

You knew what you had to do,

though the wind pried

with its stiff fingers

at the very foundations,

though their melancholy

was terrible.

it was already late

enough, and a wild night,

and the road full of fallen

branches and stones.

But little by little,

as you left their voices behind,

the stars began to burn

through the sheets of clouds,

and there was a new voice

which you slowly

recognized as your own,

that kept you company

as you strode deeper and deeper

into the world,

determined to do

the only thing you could do –

determined to save the only life you could save

-By Mary Oliver

privileged

“The privilege of a lifetime is to become who you truly are.”C.G. Jung

After months and months of feeling lost in an ocean of "transition" and uncertainty, and just when I thought this ebb may never turn to flow... all my deep rooted wishes after peace corps have been answered. And they went a little something like this:

I want to live abroad again
I want to have a job that allows me to use my degree
I want to advance my spanish to a professional level
I want to have enough money to pay my bills
I want to live humbly
I want to love on my friends and family
I want to spend most of my time doing something that contributes
I want to play the violin again
I want to wake up each day early and with excitement

I want to lean into my blessings and pay them forward
as much and as often as possible.

I want to always follow my bliss and trust that the universe will conspire to help me achieve it.

loving this song right now.

compassion

A great Ted Video on Compassion, and the value of getting outside of ourselves.
take 12 minutes and watch
its a goody

out with the girls in VA

Upon my return to the beltway a flurry of emails began to circulate.
It was not long before I was breaking bread and toasting with some of my favorite people.

One slight difference, I've been learning to enjoy Virginia. gasp!
During my time living in the beltway, the rivalry between DC proper and NoVA (norther Virginia) was a hug point of contention with our group of friends, now most are living in Nova and our fun is just as loud and full of belly laughs in the "NoVa" burbs.

A testament to our awesomeness I say.

Nats v. Cubbies

dc nights.

Pato y Tigra Reunited in D.C.

Arrived in D.C. on Tuesday
and my beautiful friend Nancy from Grad School in Denver
graciously offers not only her home
but also an airport pick-up! 

What service no? 

Well, who popped up out of the back seat as she pulled up to the airport but my peace corps partner in crime, El Pato Hinkle! 

And with a welcome sign to boot. 

off to a great start in our nation's capital. 

Thao & Mirah

80/35 music festival

 In 2004, the non-profit Greater Des Moines Music Coalition was founded with the goal of creating a live music economy and reenergizing the city. The centerpiece? A major urban music festival.

In its inaugural year, 2008, 80/35 placed Des Moines solidly on the national music map as a progressive force with headliners The Flaming Lips and The Roots. Since then, iconic acts including Public Enemy, Black Francis, Ben Harper, Jakob Dylan, Girl Talk, Modest Mouse, Spoon, Galactic and dozens more have rocked the city.

 80/35 is the famous junction of two prominent interstates (I-80 and I-35) that meet at the corners of Des Moines. Locals call it eighty-thirty-five. 

 Before I die I want to ...

Pieta Brown!

WIND FARM

 Driving from Denver to Des Moines

we see wind farms all over western Iowa...

FACTS:

• Iowa is a leading U.S. state in wind power generation with 18.8% of the state's electricity generation coming from wind in 2011
• Wind farms are most prevalent in the north and west portion of Iowa.
• Wind maps show wind speeds are on average strongest from November through April, peaking in March. August is the month with the weakest average wind speeds.
• On a daily cycle, there is a slight rise in average wind speeds in the afternoon, from 1 to 6 p.m.

might

 “When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be.” ~Lao Tzu

Childishness

“When I became a man I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up.” 

C.S. LEWIS

indoor skydiving and dinner in Denver

SUITED UP AND READY TO GO!

I was having so much fun...
The smile on my face as proof... and the slobber also... 

After a day of flying..
time for dinner with Mom, Laura and my Pato (Daniel)
Dinner on Market street downtown Denver

love.these.people.

Ho Hey

Masters in International Administration

As part of the Masters International Program
Daniel and I completed our required classes by the end of 2009
then entered into our 27 month peace corps service in El Salvador starting in February of 2010
Once both classes and PC were complete, we wrote a SRP (significant research paper) and BAM
we are walking away with our name on a Diploma with fancy robes and Peace Corps Sash to boot!
Only took 4 years... no biggie.
But could not have done it without the help of my Mejor Amigo Para Siempre (MAPS!)

Mimosas at our breakfast social morning of graduation,
Keeping it classy!

the Pioneer, great nachos and margs!
one of the few gems found near DU campus

Favorite nachos at the Pioneer in Denver
Combined with CHALULA! my favorite hot sauce

Before getting suited up for the big walk
photo op with two awesome women
Tia y Mi mami

Just call us Master Tigra and Master Pato

My awesome supportive parents happy to see I finally received my diploma!

Cellllebrate Good Times, Come On!
Now time to break bread, indulge in vino, and fill our bellies at the best italian restaurant in Denver
Check out Shells and Sauce. 

GRILLIN'

Cerveza

Authentic Simpsons Grill

Pollo and veggies

Oh yeah, grill up some Piña

Tada! a fantastic feast in the Mile High

Just one of many wonderful meals shared with old friends and family over these last couple months.
loving it.

Big Thanks for this one Matt!

dancing with wild animals with diamond-coated wings

If you start a sentence off with “I’ve always wanted to …”, you either

1. aren’t going to do it, which means it’s not really your dream, or 2. just haven’t done it yet.

Procrastinating, putting it off is fine as long as you’re 100 percent sure that you’re not going to die in the next year. Because you’re going to die someday, and if you’re honest with yourself, you will admit that you never once as a kid said to anyone, “When I grow up I want matching drapes, or a riding lawnmower that mulches too or a cozy living room.” You wanted to be a cowboy or a polar explorer or Amelia Earhart. So…?

Full article HERE

Possible.

I came across this awesome interview with Angella Nazarian. 

Felt instant inspiration, 

Looked up the book, 

and what do you know... 

my girl Frida is on the cover! 

Its a sign. 

Enjoy the Lara Shriftman's interview below. 

I got it off of the Positively Positive website (good stuff!)

In “Pioneers of the Possible: Celebrating Visionary Women of the World,” Angella honors twenty of the world’s most visionary women from the last century—every one driven by passion and an ability to imagine and aspire to what did not yet exist. By celebrating their lives, she believes, we carry on their collective, fearless spirit and encourage one another toward greater and deeper lives.

“Live Generously. Live Your Passion” is not just a catchphrase for Angella. As you will see in this interview, she lives and breathes this message.

Lara Shriftman: What is the most important thing to you in your life?

Angella Nazarian: My family and these next couple of years are especially important as our kids are being launched into the world. One son is already a sophomore in college, studying philosophy and public policy at Stanford, and the other just finished his junior year in high school and is applying to colleges next year. They both are in the middle of figuring out what they want to do in their lives and being a source of support to them is so rewarding and important at the same time.

LS: What are you most passionate about?

AN: Living a life that brims with vibrancy and fullness. We are all works in progress, and our ideas of whom we want to become changes with time and experience. So I let my curiosity for learning lead the way for me.

Right now, I am very excited about sharing with my readers the experiences of women all over the world and finding the universality of their message.

LS: Based on your experience, what advice would you give to someone who is currently in need of hope?

AN: We—and I really mean we—all have gone through stages in our lives where we may feel smaller than the challenge in front of us. One thing that has helped me the most is focusing on the next step rather than overwhelming myself with the end result or grand plan.

I keep reminding myself,  “I have faith that I will know what to do next when the time comes.”

Just last month, I was having this very intimate conversation with a friend who had gone through a major life transition. She told me that at major cross sections in her life, where she has felt as if she were standing at the edge of a cliff, she would think about Olive Oyl in the Popeye cartoons. I was surprised to hear this from a high-profile, super-intellectual woman. She said, “You know, Angella, in the Popeye cartoons, when Olive Oyl would sleepwalk, she would climb up construction sites. And, when you would think she would fall off the ledge of a T-bar, another platform would magically appear underneath her with her next step. She would never fall. This is the way I feel about my life: that when I am at my lowest point and unsure of myself, life will somehow support me in my next step and that I won’t fall.” Nowadays I am using that image when I feel unsteady and unsure of myself.

LS: Can you share with us a bit of your journey?

AN: My journey, like many who have immigrated to the United States, is one of transformation. I lived the first eleven years of my life in a cocoon-like existence in pre-revolutionary Iran. I came for a two-week vacation to visit my older brothers who were studying here and never went back. So, all I came with were two luggage bags, and my parents weren’t able to join my siblings and me for another five-and-a-half years. I haven’t seen many of my loved ones since my early teens, and it was really tough to adjust to a new way of life on my own.

Being raised in a traditional eastern culture and then coming to a western culture, I have always been working on what aspects of each culture I want to integrate in my life.

My motto is that we need to be big enough to admit any possibility.

First, I was a professor of psychology for eleven years, then I became a best-selling author penning my family memoir, and now I am an author and speaker for women’s issues. Each transition point brought it’s own lessons, and I am sure I have a few more up my sleeve. Isn’t it what life is really about—to become who we are at the very core and honoring it?

LS: What’s one of the greatest obstacles you have overcome?

AN: With all of the ups and downs in the earlier parts of my life, one would think my greatest obstacle was presented to me in my early teens. But not so! It was in my thirties, when life on the outside was really wonderful, that I noticed these subtle ways I minimized my worth. To put it in simple terms, I just didn’t feel I was “good enough.” Finding my way through these feelings was the first step in becoming more authentic in my life and connecting at a deeper level with those around me.

LS: For what challenge or adversity are you most grateful?

AN: Through dealing with the difficult feelings that I was experiencing in my thirties, I found my next calling. I started a women’s group that lasted for seven years and found that so many of us grapple with the same challenges and think that we are alone in our experiences. I realized what a blessing it is to be surrounded by a network of fearless, likeminded people in our lives—that a support system really helps us in our growth.

LS: Are there any challenges you are going through now?

AN: As I am building a business, I am learning how to deal with uncertainty and make the best decisions from the information I have.

LS: What is the greatest lesson you have learned from your fans over the years?

AN: I have learned that there is great power in dialogue and exchange. So often I have written pieces that seemed more interesting to me because it was about something I was going through. It was these pieces that have gotten the most interesting responses. I am lucky that I feel like I am in a conversation with my fans, and they write back to me with their thoughts. And, of course, their thoughts spark something new in me.

I really have learned there is great power in the collective.

LS: What’s the best advice you have ever been given?

AN:

You can’t judge another person’s decisions until you have really walked in their shoes. And, “life is too short not to have dessert!”

You must have figured it out by now that I don’t skip dessert.

LS: What are you most proud to have manifested in your life?

AN: I am most proud of manifesting a multidimensional life—one that speaks to different sides of me and makes me feel whole. I have always wanted to lead a life that blurred on the edges, that was not solely defined by one role or one way of being.

LS: What is your favorite way to unwind?

AN: I started taking up Flamenco three years ago, and it is one of the biggest gifts to myself. I simply get lost in the music, the poetry in the lyrics, and the movements in the dance.

LS: What are you most grateful for right now and why?

AN: I am most grateful for my health. It sounds corny but true. I lost one of my dear friends to breast cancer last month, and it was both a privilege and a real heartbreak to see what she was going through these past few years. Good health is a real gift.

LS: What is your biggest regret?

AN: I don’t have regrets. It is an energy drain to second guess ourselves over things that are in the past. Besides, I think we do everything in the best way we knew at the time.

LS: When is the last time you laughed at yourself?

AN: I laugh at myself every day. It’s easy; I have kids that poke fun of me. If they aren’t around, I just have to show up to my flamenco classes. I swear I try to be graceful, but there are times I catch myself in the mirror, and I start laughing. It is contagious; the rest of the class cracks up with me.

LS: What do you think the three biggest keys to manifesting are, from someone who obviously has manifested a big dream?

AN: Start with an idea or image that really resonates from within (it should make you feel excited, alive, and most probably scared), take small steps toward your goal (action is important in achieving dreams), and develop a network of friends who can help you in your goal (studies show that support and guidance from others is key to achieving your goals).

LS: What are you manifesting this year?

AN: I want the message of my recent book, “Pioneers of the Possible: Celebrating Visionary Women of the World,” to reach more people through organizing a women’s conference. Having spoken at many conferences, I feel there needs to be a space for women to really talk and exchange ideas rather than to be a passive audience. I would love to explore different issues of interest for women, whether it is creating women’s entrepreneurship panels or talking about how women have successfully weathered life transitions or made an impact in their world. I am practicing my three keys to manifesting on a daily basis.